In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week (#NIAW) I spent the last two hours rereading old blog posts from my infertility days. I am sharing this old post because it’s an honest play by play about my typical day during that time in my life. This was written when I had 4 failed IUI’s, 1 early miscarriage, 1 failed IVF and was taking the summer “off of worrying about it.”
July 17, 2015
5:00am : Alarm goes off. Why do I get up at 5am voluntarily? Money. Ok let’s do this. #moneyismymotivation
5:15am: Coffee. All the Coffee.
5:45am: Arrive to teach my group fitness class. People look tired. And their tired face makes me excited. How can I wake these people up without being annoying. #ChallengeAccepted. Kelly Clarkson. Choreographed warm up. I’m annoyingly energetic. Happy. And I think people had a good time! #thanksKelly! I proudly left everyone in a pile of sweat and a smile. The perfect combination.
7:30am: I’m happy. I’m excited. I had 3 people tell me before 7am “you have too much energy” and “I want what you’re having!” Not including my husband, who does not find my early morning peppiness amusing. #NotAMorningPerson.
8:30am: Smoothie time. And I like it green– Kale. Spinach. Mango. #tada I become reminded why I’m forcing vegatables down my throat. I begin visualize these healthy ingredients feeding my non-baby filled uterus. I’m totally getting pregnant soon. I’m so healthy. Think of all the people that don’t do this and still get pregnant! It’s gonna give me a leg up! No doubt! (Notice: the infertility struggle begins)
9:00am: Arrive at work. Emails, voicemails…
9:15am: Begin putting my career at risk. Begin neglecting actual work to research the best kind of thermometer to buy to track ovulation. I find the best. I need the most precise one. $33? Screw it. Wait, who cares. I’ll just take ovulation kit tests every day. Oh, shit. Even more expensive! Screw it. I’ll take one of each!
10:00am: Ok Mallory, distract yourself. Facebook time. Facebook reminds me everyone is pregnant or has a new baby. I give up. Prayer. Yes prayer! People pray, right? I’m on to something here!
11:00: Focus. Must. Do. Work. Every little thing asked of you that doesn’t involve googling something fertility related is a massive task. Life beyond fertility hardly exists. Answering the phone becomes difficult midmorning.
Noon Break: I am listening to the radio. A break up song… I become tearful… twisting anything to relate it to my infertility journey. It’s amazing how easy that is to do. And it’s official, I feel sad.
1:00pm: Eat 19992048393 avocados. #MissionGetPregnant
3:00pm: I can’t focus. I’m so tired. Maybe I don’t have enough hormones to focus. Errr or too many? Not sure. Time for Google: “Feeling fatigued and lack focus. Early signs of pregnancy.” SHUT UP PHONE. QUIT RINGING. I’m trying to Google myself pregnant. Conclusion: possible. Dare I feel hopeful? There’s been stranger things… right?
5:00pm: Finally. That was a hard days work. All of a sudden a wave of worry consumes me. What if I never get pregnant? Why wouldn’t IVF work? Why didn’t I have more eggs retrieved? Why is my body doing this? Is there a deeper issue? Maybe I have cancer! Should I eat more avocados? Should I pray more? I should do yoga. I hate yoga. Cue self-blaming and I’m officially scared.
My husband innocently asks, “How was your day, hon?” Me: “It was great! Same ol same ol!” Lies… I begin avoiding eye contact to hold back tears. “I JUST FEEL SAD!”
And sadly nothing he can say will help so he gives me a kiss on the cheek and a glass of wine.
This is it. I recognize this is depressing. But it’s important. And relevant. Emotions all over the place. I am self-centered. I am sensitive. I am happy. I am sad. I am scared. But the emotion I feel the most is I feel grateful. The support I have from my husband, my family, friends have reached out and shown support for me, and just people reading my blog have shown me love.
P.S. – I took some advice from my #ttcsisters and tried acupuncture. Just wanted you all to know that you are all liars. It did hurt. I did not feel relaxed. It’s what I imagine hell is like.
That was a hard time in my life and I hope I won’t have to relive this reality again. Frequent thoughts of “maybe I should try…” or “maybe I should quit doing…” or “what if I…”
It’s a crappy place to be in life. The unknown. I really didn’t know if I would ever become a mother. That was so scary.
I am so thankful that the only stressors that fill my day are ones relating to the baby I love so much. Sometimes it’s hard to remember life before he was born. The infertility journey feels like a lifetime ago. But it was real. And felt like forever. It shaped me to be come a more patient and grateful mother.
And for that, I can honestly say I’m glad it happened.
But that’s the only reason. Everything else was just fucking dumb… and expensive.
To anyone experiencing the emotional roller coaster that infertility can bring, please know you aren’t alone. If you need a friend, message me. You are never alone.