Do you ever have that moment when you just start staring into space and think I’m getting old. I’m not talking about my actual age, necessarily. 31 is nothing to complain about. But all of a sudden I’m not young.
Last week I was at the grocery store buying wine (among other things… I promise) and the cashier asked for my ID. In an immediate panic I searched for my ID knowing damn well I forgot it… I smiled and said “whoopsie! I forgot it at home. Don’t worry about it, I’ll come back tomorrow.” But without hesitation he waved his manager down. His manager came over and the cashier says “This lady forgot her ID can we just ask for her birthday?” And the manager (who looks younger than my 7 year old niece) takes one look at me and says “Nah, she’s good.”
Nah, she’s good? Really? That’s it? Thanks, asshole. You take one quarter-second look at me and you know. You’re so confident that you’d risk your job? SINCE WHEN?
I went to the mall today. I never go shopping. I’m more of an online browser with 52 items in every shopping cart website imaginable but I rarely pull the trigger because #cheap #indecisive #foreverbroke BUT I’m in dire need of clothes that A) Fit. B) Don’t look so outdated that I could be confused with a teeny bopper trying to bring the 2000’s back.
I suppose I don’t need to worry about being confused for a teeny bopper. But you get the idea.
So… the mall… okay so I walk into Forever21 because that’s usually the store I went into when I was in college and went shopping all the time. The horror I experienced from the clothing scene was unforgivable. MY EYES! MY EYES!
I’m not even being dramatic. Some serious vom.
I must be so detached from what is cool that I was mortified by the clothing options in nearly every store.
The ‘Velvet Hooded Tunic’
And the shorts. THE SHORTS.
And the shoes. THE SHOES. THE SHOES.
‘Sheer Mesh Biker Shorts’ for sale y’all!
If these are trendy then I’m 100.
Graphic Baseball Jersey. Stop. Make it stop.
Look everyone, I’m so cool I can wear Bambi on my shirt AND show off my see through bra.
This is so bad it’s good. I’m starting to believe velvet is a trend. And I don’t know why.
WHY GOD? WHY?
Ok so that’s just a quick look into what I was exposed in today. True trauma. I don’t pretend to be a fashionista. But I’m not blind. I am, as I learned today, old. Too old for vlevet bike shorts. Too old to wear Bambi with a see through bra. Too old to ever go in that store again.
I don’t know when it happened. But I’ve already reached the acceptance stage of my grief. I accept it. So I beg of you, please don’t make me wear these clothes.
Life is weird. Before I know it I’ll be saying “back when I was your age… BEFORE THE INTERNET”
Yep. Before the internet.