My mom gave me some very important advice one time when I was dating some douchebag in high school.
“You don’t need to tell him everything.”
Wise woman. Consider it done.
I realize she wasn’t advising me to tell lies but it’s just kind of what it turned into.
1. When you make dinner from a box.
My favorite lie of them all. I use this one all the time. I like the idea of cooking but hate doing it so sometimes I lie. Something simple like soup. Last night I made chicken and wild rice soup… out of a box. “honey, this is good! Did you make it?” “YEP!!!!”
2. When your husband asks how your workout went today.
If you’re competitive like me you don’t want to lose face by admitting you slacked. I almost always tell Brad I ran about .5 mile to a mile further than I actually do. Just do keep him on his toes thinking I’m impressive.
3. Did the baby read any books today?
“Yes! Of course!” is always my answer as I roll my eyes with the annoyance that he is actually asking that question. But truth: no, totally forgot. He watched an episode of Ellen while I wrote this post. But my husband doesn’t need to know that.
4. When you hate an item of clothing he wears all the time.
Those dated Abercrombie & Fitch shirts from 20 years ago… the fraternity shirt… the smelly shoes that make him look like a 55 year old bachelor with a beer belly… GET OUTTA MY FACE! Do you tell him it’s ugly? No. Do you say you like it? Fuck no! You toss it and pretend you have no idea where it went. #whoopsie
5. When you buy an overpriced shirt.
The fact that he notices is annoying enough but it really doesn’t do anyone any good to tell him the honest truth if even YOU think it was overpriced. Lie. Sale. It was always on sale.
6. When you’re in a fight.
I know that sounds weird. I usually solve a fight that is going around in circles by saying “you’re right.” It shuts it up and I can go to sleep in peace. And don’t add the eyeroll until he’s out of sight.
7. When the baby wakes up before you guys go to bed and you don’t want to be the one that puts out the fire.
“how about you go in there babe, when I go in there it takes longer to put him back down.” OMG I’ve read this is true but it’s not true for me. But I say it all the time. Like Ohhh the baby loves me SO much more that he can’t stand me putting him down… you better go in there. I do think this is true for some people but it’s just not for us. I could put him back to sleep just as easily as Brad. But nobody needs to know that.
8. When you want to watch garbage reality television shows that rot your brain and don’t want to be judged.
“I’m tired. I’m going to bed.” AKA leave me alone. This is just so much easier than the look I’d get if I said “I’m going to go watch Karadashian reruns for 2 hours and then pass out.” Let’s be serious.
The truth is in the lies. We are all human. Be human. Lie to your partner and be happy. Everyone wins.
Happy as clams.