Ok, so this post is going to leave you thinking “she really needs a therapist.” I’m just warning you now.
I’m already worried about Kent’s first birthday. There, I said it. Not worried like, omg what is his theme going to be? What is he going to wear? Both valid concerns. And worried probably isn’t the word I’m looking for anyway. Like, what’s the opposite of excited? Whatever the opposite of excited is. And no, it’s not because I want him to stay a baby forever. I’m definitely looking forward to more milestones towards independence. Like, anytime you want to hold your own bottle is good with me, kid.
I know, it looks like I’m feeding a baby calf. He just throws his arms out and sticks his mouth towards the bottle. I mean c’mon, dude.
Since we moved back to Iowa I’ve been talking to a lot of friends lately about Kent. How I got pregnant, the birth, etc. It’s reminded me how difficult that time in my life was. Not just the infertility, which was hard enough… but the birth. The Birth. It still weighs so heavy on my heart.
I’m finding the more I talk about it all the more it’s making me want to try again. I want a do over! I want to try to get pregnant again. I want to be pregnant again. I want to have a delivery that is joyful and exciting. #DoOver!
So I started talking to Brad. I think I’m ready to start trying. I want to get pregnant again. I want to be pregnant again. And I want a joyful delivery.
“Ok” he says. “But do you want another baby?”
No. I mean, yes. But no, not right now.
“Then we should probably not try right now.”
Duh. Gotta love his logic. DUH, Mallory. You don’t actually want another baby right now. You just started sleeping like a normal person. Are you insane?
As Kent’s birthday gets closer I can’t help but feel sad. And I feel really guilty confessing that. I have mentioned this before and it’s probably difficult for most people to understand but the day he was born was not joyful, it was not exciting, it was not a good memory. It was most definitely considered the worst day of my life. Despite the fact that he was healthy, which I don’t need to even explain how thankful I am for that, it still hurts to think about that day.
I told you, I need a therapist.
So why in the bloody hell would I ever consider getting pregnant again right now. Shouldn’t I be running the other way, like, RUN RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! YOU’VE FINALLY ESCAPED THE HARDEST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE! ONWARD! YOU’RE FREE! ENJOY YOUR HAPPY, HEALTHY BABY NOW! CONGRATULATIONS! YOU LIVED!
Buuuuuuuuuut I feel like I have an itch I need to scratch. Kent has been sleeping through the night for almost a month now and I swear now that I have energy again I’m like “Yup, time for another baby!” As if the first one was no big thang. #Amnesia?
Let’s not forget the colic, Mallory. It’s been 3 months since his last colic episode and I may never be the same again. Whenever he is super mad and screaming now, which doesn’t happen very often, it’s like I have PTSD and my heart sinks and I swear I could start crying right then and there all because of your run-of-the-mill 8 month old freak out.
Therapist, I know!
It might sound like I’m complaining, that’s not my intention here. I want to make it clear how insane I am. That is my intention. Two full years of infertility. Then a terrifying delivery. Then a super colic baby who hates to sleep. I mean, it hasn’t been a cake walk. So what the fuck? Am I truly searching for a do over?
Now that he’s #SOMUCHFUN it makes me forget, for a second, about the past. He spends about 80% of his awake life smiling, giggling, and squeeling. I mean, how am I not supposed to want 2348234 more babies?
This is the face I see when I shut my eyes at night. So, can you blame me?
I guess the moral of the story is I don’t want anyone to feel alone if they are having the same feelings I am about wanting another baby when it’s actually delusional. I don’t want anyone to feel bad if they are dreading their baby’s first birthdays. You’re not alone. You’re not crazy. Unless I’m the only one who feels they want a do over… but I doubt I’m alone on this. I just haven’t ever heard anyone else say it.
So, do I need a therapist? Is this normal? Am I delusional for wanting a do over when all of it was so hard? Should I be running the other way? All of the above?
Pass the damn wine, it’s Friday. Peace out.