Do I Need Another Baby… or A Therapist?

Ok, so this post is going to leave you thinking “she really needs a therapist.” I’m just warning you now.

I’m already worried about Kent’s first birthday. There, I said it. Not worried like, omg what is his theme going to be? What is he going to wear?Β Both valid concerns. And worried probably isn’t the word I’m looking for anyway. Like, what’s the opposite of excited? Whatever the opposite of excited is. And no, it’s not because I want him to stay a baby forever. I’m definitely looking forward to more milestones towards independence. Like, anytime you want to hold your own bottle is good with me, kid.

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I know, it looks like I’m feeding a baby calf. He just throws his arms out and sticks his mouth towards the bottle. I mean c’mon, dude.

Since we moved back to Iowa I’ve been talking to a lot of friends lately about Kent. How I got pregnant, the birth, etc. It’s reminded me how difficult that time in my life was. Not just the infertility, which was hard enough… but the birth. The Birth. It still weighs so heavy on my heart.

I’m finding the more I talk about it all the more it’s making me want to try again. I want a do over! I want to try to get pregnant again. I want to be pregnant again. I want to have a delivery that is joyful and exciting. #DoOver!

So I started talking to Brad. I think I’m ready to start trying. I want to get pregnant again. I want to be pregnant again. And I want a joyful delivery.

“Ok” he says. “But do you want another baby?”

Interesting question.

No. I mean, yes. But no, not right now.

“Then we should probably not try right now.”

Duh. Gotta love his logic. DUH, Mallory. You don’t actually want another baby right now. You just started sleeping like a normal person. Are you insane?

As Kent’s birthday gets closer I can’t help but feel sad. And I feel really guilty confessing that. I have mentioned this before and it’s probably difficult for most people to understand but the day he was born was not joyful, it was not exciting, it was not a good memory. It was most definitely considered the worst day of my life. Despite the fact that he was healthy, which I don’t need to even explain how thankful I am for that, it still hurts to think about that day.

I told you, I need a therapist.image

So why in the bloody hell would I ever consider getting pregnant again right now. Shouldn’t I be running the other way, like, RUN RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! YOU’VE FINALLY ESCAPED THE HARDEST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE! ONWARD! YOU’RE FREE! ENJOY YOUR HAPPY, HEALTHY BABY NOW! CONGRATULATIONS! YOU LIVED!

Buuuuuuuuuut I feel like I have an itch I need to scratch. Kent has been sleeping through the night for almost a month now and I swear now that I have energy again I’m like “Yup, time for another baby!” As if the first one was no big thang. #Amnesia?

Let’s not forget the colic, Mallory.Β It’s been 3 months since his last colic episode and I may never be the same again. Whenever he is super mad and screaming now, which doesn’t happen very often, it’s like I have PTSD and my heart sinks and I swear I could start crying right then and there all because of your run-of-the-mill 8 month old freak out.

Therapist, I know!

It might sound like I’m complaining, that’s not my intention here. I want to make it clear how insane I am. That is my intention. Two full years of infertility. Then a terrifying delivery. Then a super colic baby who hates to sleep. I mean, it hasn’t been a cake walk. So what the fuck? Am I truly searching for a do over?

Now that he’s #SOMUCHFUN it makes me forget, for a second, about the past. He spends about 80% of his awake life smiling, giggling, and squeeling. I mean, how am I not supposed to want 2348234 more babies?

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This is the face I see when I shut my eyes at night. So, can you blame me?

I guess the moral of the story is I don’t want anyone to feel alone if they are having the same feelings I am about wanting another baby when it’s actually delusional. I don’t want anyone to feel bad if they are dreading their baby’s first birthdays. You’re not alone. You’re not crazy. Unless I’m the only one who feels they want a do over… but I doubt I’m alone on this. I just haven’t ever heard anyone else say it.

So, do I need a therapist? Is this normal? Am I delusional for wanting a do over when all of it was so hard? Should I be running the other way? All of the above?

Pass the damn wine, it’s Friday. Peace out.

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8 thoughts on “Do I Need Another Baby… or A Therapist?

  1. If you’re crazy then I’m crazy, my little ivf man is only 6 months old. Send me the number of your terapist if you find a good one.

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  2. I am already feeling the opposite of excited for her 1st birthday – even though we are 4 months away. So sad…baby stop growing and stay little forever πŸ™‚ I can totally relate about the day of his birth being the worst day of your life. I say that to my friends every time I recount my little ones birthday(other mommas can judge away!). Your day and my day were bad for two VERY different reasons. I was 10 days late and got induced. After two failed epidurals, some bad tearing (TMI) and an extremely painful unplanned natural delivery(I wasn’t looking to be a hero, give me all the drugs) I can say 100% that it was the worst (and best?) day of my life. I think I still have PTSD from that delivery….ouch. For months a said never again…this will be my only child. Now? Ready to get back on it and start the infertility shots again. All of us mommas are a little cray. Its totally cool – bring on all the wine.

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  3. Youre definitely not crazy. I think it just shows how strong and resilient you are. You don’t give yourself enough credit. Your attitude and outlook on it all is refreshing and really something to be proud of.
    I have a question for you- did you ever regain your cycles? I also have HA, got pregnant before ever resuming cycles and am in the third trimester! I read some people’s blogs saying theirs returned after they stopped breastfeeding, but just curious if you felt comfortable enough to share an update on HA.

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  4. Oh girl, pass the wine on over here. I want to try again and i delivered at 24 weeks! Why I would ever want to risk doing that again?? But I do lol

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  5. Same. Born 5/17– Hard pregnancy at the end, induced, and scary delivery. MRI at 2-months because his head grew too fast and they were worried. Screamed for 3-months straight before we switched to Nutramigen. Just started introducing him to dairy again because he’s skinny and not sitting up yet (but scooting around everywhere.) Nervous for his 9-month appt. that he’ll need physical therapy. WITH ALL THAT SAID…. how is it that the past month or so I’ve kept saying, “let’s have another baby.” Every time we watch This Is Us I can’t help but feel it even stronger… we need more babies! I’m still trying to figure it out for myself, too. I threw my back out last week and can barely pick the little guy up right now and know financially it’d be best for us if I went back to work for 2-years. I can’t help the feeling though that we should have another one even though it makes ZERO sense. It feels primal, not logical. We aren’t trying, and aren’t not trying- the same way we got this one, so we’ll see. If we don’t get pregnant again by this ooopsie method then the plan is to try in a little less than 2-years.

    Perhaps this is just our way of knowing that we’re “not done yet” and we’re not very good with delaying gratification πŸ˜‚

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  6. I hear you. And I do have a therapist! Years of infertility and then still seeming to struggle where most others don’t with their kids, with my own hard-won wonderful child, and how it’s all impacted every facet of my life. I’ve been trying via more IVF cycles to have a second child since my son was 16 months. He’s about to be 4. Now I’ve doubled the years of infertility, miscarriage, brutalized career, and continued longing. I’ve always wanted more than one kid, and now I want the second even more for my son, so he can have a sibling. But for those of us infertiles, this is like a life-altering and changing pursuit. What is marriage without fighting to find a way to have a family? What is a work day without needing to cycle? What is my son’s childhood without an infertile mother who is still trying?
    I’ve asked myself a lot of the questions you have. My husband is also likely to pose those same questions, and to be fulfilled by our little family of three. Sometimes I feel guilty that I still don’t feel complete, that I will feel I have failed – and especially my son – if the sibling he wants so desperately can not come – via any means we are trying.
    But I also crave a do-over. Not an emergency birth, not spending my mat leave with a child who couldn’t breast feed, take a bottle or gain weight and needed a lactation consultant and feeding consultant until 8 months, needing surgery at 11 months, and sleeping through the night at 12 months. I don’t want a better or different kid than him – he’s perfect and we love him to bits! And I was still able to love every second of it all somehow, knowing how hard we battled to have him, and truthfully, expecting no easy ride since what we know is to accept that the path will be hard, and that we will be able to take it, even when we feel broken.
    I think what I want is to have something wondrous happen, because it seems so easy for everyone I know. To have a baby. To not have the stress and medical side. Not have to balance it all with a life dedicated to struggling physically, emotionally, financially, logistically. To be able to experience joy without constant concern or next plans for intervention.
    And I know many others have it way worse, but that doesn’t assist me in feeling better. I already deal with the guilt every day of having these feelings, if I was lucky enough as a serious infertile to have a kid. I feel like I deserve every hard time I get, because I do have a child in my arms.
    At first, I knew my husband was right. We needed to get on solid ground again, and our amazing son was – and is – enough. He is now flourishing and healthy. But now he asks for a sibling for his birthday, plus I still ache for another child to build our family with. And then I fall back into the pattern again, especially made harder as our siblings and friends have multiple children. He doesn’t understand it, and I am constantly aware of my broken body and the dreams I still have.
    So this rambling message says – I hear you! You’re normal! Therapists are great! And we are willing to embrace the hard and press on. But it will always be a struggle, and connecting together is a wonderful form of support amidst it all.
    Sheesh, this secret life of infertiles is another job in every way, isn’t it??? πŸ™‚

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  7. I could have written this myself. I feel you, sister.

    Side note – I was screened for PPA/PPD and am more on the anxiety side, but the PTSD from labor and delivery still is so raw. I’ve been meeting with a Counselor/Therapist, call her what you will, the last few weeks since I started medication and it has helped. I think talking to someone can do wonders. You know.. i work as a Student Advisor and alot of my work deals with counseling my students… so naturally, I always try just counseling myself but in the end… it wasn’t working. I needed to talk to someone else. And its helping.

    You are so strong and youll do what is best for you. xo

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