A Mom’s Story: How It Takes 7 Years To Leave The House

So this morning I got up extra early thanks to a baby who slept soundly last night (#KNOCKONALLTHEWOOD #PleaseDontStop #KeepSleeping #PleaseJesus) and thought “I am going to go to work a little early… write some thank you cards… maybe pick up donuts for the office…” All of which, I have never done before. But with 2 days left of work before I move you could say I was feeling extra cheery.

It’s 8:00. If I leave now, I’m going to be 45 minutes early to work. Everyone will be so impressed. I’m such a hard worker #NotReally

I was dressed and ready… baby was dressed and ready…

But he looks so cute. I love this sweater. I need to take a picture.  Oh wait, let’s find a hat. He needs a hat. Oh here’s one. Damnit, too small. Spend 5 minutes finding a new hat that both fits and matches.  

Where the fuck is my phone? Spend 10 minutes searching for my phone under each god forsaken pillow. There it is! I found it in the sink. #truestory

Okay, now let’s try to sit up, Kent. And smile. C’mon you can do it. It’s only for a few seconds. Son of a…, he’s not cooperating. But his sweater is too cute.

Somehow it’s 8:25.

Okay, let’s move to the floor. I pick him up and SPLAT. A giant upchuckof milk splashes on the floor. That’s okay. It was projectile so it didn’t evenimage get on us! #MomWin! I start walking with the baby to get paper towels and SPLAT. SPLAT. SPLAT. SPLAT! It just keeps coming. Great, he’s throwing up. I throw place him on the floor while I spend the next 10 minutes taking pictures of the throw up, texting it to Brad, deciding if I should take him to daycare and oh yeah, cleaning it up.

I’m not giving up on this picture. It’s a miracle there’s not a drop of milk on either of us. #ProjectileFTW Okay, Kent… smile… c’mon… heeyyyyy Kent…. LOOK AT MEEEEEE. SMILE!!!


No smile but I’ll take it. It’s 8:40.

Now I’m rushing… I place him in his car seat while I prepare my extra strong coffee. I open the fridge to grab my creamer and BAM. I swung the fridge door open with serious momentum and it hits the car seat like a thunderbult. Damnit. I check on Kent and his lip begins to quiver. WAHHHHHHH! 

Fuck my life.

Get him out of the car seat, cuddle him for less than 3 seconds, stuff his mouth with a pacifier and get him strapped back in.

I look at the time: 8:50.

I’m officially late to my 9:00 meeting that will have no donuts, no thank you notes, and me coming in apologizing again for being late as if I’m the only person in the world who has ever had a baby. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again #EmployeeOfTheYear

And this, my friends, is how it’s done.

Oh, and if you know of anyone hiring let me know… I need a job after I move to Iowa this month. I’m a really good employee. #AlwaysLate #AlwaysOnTask #AlwaysNever


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