The End Is Near.

There’s just one weekend between maternity leave and going back to work. If I were at work, I’d use the word cognitive dissonance to describe how I feel. Since I’m not at work, I’ll sum it up as I kinda wanna puke. 

I always imaged I’d want to stay home with my baby. I thought going back to work would be complete torture. But that’s not exactly how I feel. I have a job I enjoy. I have a career. But now, I have a baby. And I feel guilty that I don’t feel guilty for going back to work. And guilt is stupid. Worthless. Especially in circumstances like this.

I become emotional thinking of all the ups and downs of the past 13 weeks. Yeah, you heard me… there were downs. Starting with his 5 week early arrival that nearly sent me to the psych ward (birth story here). He scared the living shit out of me. He actually almost died. And my heart still aches. And if you remember, Brad wasn’t there. That was the hardest day of my life. I had to pretend to be brave. But I was so scared. And I hate thinking about it. But that’s the day my baby was born. It was the beginning of my new love for my baby boy.

That day feels like a year ago. But when I look at this 13 week old baby, he is brand new. And adorable as all get out. How will I leave him? He’s just starting to smile at me. He recognizes my voice. He is comforted when I hold him. He needs me, right?

Well, the answer is yes. Yes, of course he needs me. But…

How do I say this without being harshly judged…?

I need to go to work. Like, not just for financial reasons. But for myself. I look forward to the day-to-day hustle and bustle the work day will bring. The routine. The gratification of my job… all of it.

The day-in-day-out of caring for this newborn has been an adventure, to say the least. Fuck that! It’s been SO HARD. #DramaQueen?

It’s been so F-ing hard. For so many reasons… but it’s been awesome, too. Which is where the cognitive dissonance comes in…

I am so incredibly sad to take him to daycare. I will cry my freakin’ eyeballs out. I am dreading it. You might have to pick me up and take me to work in order to get me there. I swear I might not even make it to work that day. I cried thinking about it today.

I’ll miss the early morning snuggles while I catch up on Dr Phil reruns sipping on coffee. I’ll miss the flexibility in my day. The fact that I can hold my baby whenever I feel like it. I’m going to miss him so much. And I’m really, really sad.

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I’m not sure I’ll ever like the idea of my baby going to daycare but there’s no going back. It’s like being on the scariest roller coaster of your life and you’re strapped in, you’re going up the tracks… tilted so far that you’re facing the sky… terrified… thinking you very well die on your way down this huge drop… but there’s no going back… so you shut your eyes and hope for the best…

3… 2… 1…

We will survive. I can still be a very good mom and be a working mom. And that’s what I’m gonna do. Who’s with me? Let’s go!

#CHARRRRRRRRGE

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5 thoughts on “The End Is Near.

  1. Thank you for this honest post. I feel the exact same way. I don’t think I want to be a SAHM if I get to choose. There is a certain structure that comes with having a career, and I’m sure that might seem ass-backwards to a lot of moms…but for me, I would crave it. I like feeling like I am contributing to society as much as I am sure I am going to love being a mom. Also….more income. Lesbihonest….be able to buy my own shit with my own money is gratifying.

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  2. Completely agree Mama! I had my baby 6 weeks early and in the DEAD of an awful winter. I mean, I NEVER left the house because I could not leave for 3 whole months (plus a 2 week NICU stay visiting my baby every day). I always envisioned long walks in the mall, getting back into shape, but NOPE! Life is not how we plan it. And when I went back to work 12 weeks later I was relieved. I could talk to people again. I felt guilty about not feeling guilty and from what I gather – mom guilt never goes away. You are doing GREAT!! Feel how you want to feel – there is no right/wrong. Good job and best of luck going back to work!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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