My Vow to my ‘Right Now’

So… what do you do with your time when you aren’t at work, your husband works 80+ hour weeks, your friends all live out of town, you are broke, and you have a newborn that requires constant holding, cuddling, feeding, diapering, and sleeps all the time?

You sleep.

Wrong.

You drink wine.

Yes.

And…

You daydream. You think about your life. You think about the past. You imagine what can be. What was. And what your future holds. The good. The bad. The future. Because your life is different now. You’re a parent. And you now spend 90% of your day breastfeeding, thinking about when you feed next, pumping, buying diapers, trying to stuff his mouth with a pacifier, and then uncorking a bottle of wine. This is your life. You’re a mom.

Your life is different now.

As I write this, I’m sitting at my kitchen table. Kent and I just got home from a long walk. I then stuffed his fussy little mouth with a pacifier before pouring a glass of red. I’m sitting across from my husband who woke up at 4:30am to go to work for over 12 hours and is now on his computer creating his (first ever!) resume to begin applying for jobs. That’s right. Jobs. A real job. A real big kid, doctor job. The end of residency is near. And the life we’ve put on hold (in his case, 8 years) may soon begin.

Lately I’ve been daydreaming about buying a house, Brad having a few weekends off here and there, taking Kent to college football games, maybe having a turkey on Thanksgiving, and moving back to Iowa where our family and friends are there having fun WITHOUT US!

I find myself wishing away these hard first few weeks of parenthood. The days where your baby is fussing for no apparent reason. Your nipples feel like rubber. Your sleepless nights become so sleepless you don’t know what day it is. And the only thing you eat is granola  bars because they can be easily opened with one hand.

But I need to remind myself… WE ALL need to remind ourselves… that this moment is temporary. No more wishing away time. No more putting our lives on old for the future. For what will be. Or what might be. I’m done. I want to live in the moment.

I want to remember how much I hated the sound of my crying baby. I want to remember how much I hated my husband being absent on holidays, weekends, and evenings. I want to remember the spit up that ran down my back. And how proud I am for my husband working tirelessly. I want to remember these sleepless nights where I say to myself on repeat “I may never sleep again.”

So I’m creating a vow. I vow to cherish this time. I will cherish my husband’s residency schedule that has worked him harder than any job ever should. A baby who needs to be held for what seems to be forever. I will cherish the fact I can hold him with one hand and my arm isn’t tired. And his fussy sounds are absolutely the most adorable sounds. I will cherish how proud I am to be married to a man who wakes up to attend to the needs of other families and spends countless hours researching ways to make people feel better. And most of all, I vow to cherish these early years of our family. The years that bring us closer together. These early years have been spent working hard for a beautiful future. And I’m proud to say, the future is now. Life is beautiful.

I have an adorable baby. A driven, smart, and successful husband. And lastly, some seriously great looking hair right now (thanks hormones!). Life is beautiful now.

Now someone please remind me of all this when I’m crying because my husband is working and my baby won’t stop crying. Remind me. Life is beautiful. Here and now.

I challenge you to find the beauty in your life. Cherish the moments you’re wishing away. Appreciate the times of struggle. And remember, life is beautiful now.

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My jam. The end.

 

 

Snapchat: malhalverson

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4 thoughts on “My Vow to my ‘Right Now’

  1. I love this Mal! I really needed to read this too. Life is so incredibly complicated for me and my family of animals….and the struggle to conceive and pay for everything and still find time to sleep AND have fun!? I do wish it away sometimes. I really do. And then I feel bad. The cycle needs to end. Thank you for writing this!

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  2. Love this! I am two weeks in with big girl twins and I seriously doubt if I can make it through everyday. I cry over everything and miss my old life and my husband. And wine!! Ugh I have been to scared to have any since I’m so sleep deprived. This was a wonderful reminder though, things will get better our new mom mantra!

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    1. I’m ALWAYS second guessing when I decide to drink wine because I know I should probably go to bed but… gotta live a little! However, having two babies is an entirely different ball game. God bless your soul!

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