It’s been 4 weeks since I became a mom, a family of three, and learned to change a boys diaper. It’s gone by very fast. It’s gone by very slow. It’s been fun, exhausting, surprising, predictable, and amazing. And exhausting. Did I say that already?
As I write this post, the baby is staring at me… probably hungry, even though I just fed him. He probably has a dirty diaper, even though I just changed it. He’s making grunting noises that sound like he’s choking, even though he’s not. And I have breast milk leaking onto my shirt. This is my life.
People say a lot of things to prepare you for motherhood. Things like “You’ll never sleep again!” or “Your nipples will hurt for weeks.” or “You may never shower again.” Ok, so I get it. I’ll be tired. Big whoop. Breastfeeding isn’t easy. And I’ll smell… who cares. Okay.
And for the record, they were right…
But how come nobody told me about these 5 things:
- Your baby will make horrific noises while he sleeps that you will jump out of bed so fast your cesarean incesion may never recover. Noises like he is choking to death on spit up. Or someone is kidnapping him. Or he just found out how to use his lungs. So you run to the rescue to find… he’s sleeping peacefully. What the hell? WHAT. THE. HELL.
- Your baby will smile at you but it’s not what you think. And you’ll be so happy that you take 8239808 pictures and send them to everyone who knows your first name. You post on facebook, instagram, mass texts, emails… just to find out… he’s not smiling. He’s got gas. Thanks a lot. Also thanks to the person who told me. Not.
- You will never be on time to something again. If you have an event at 7, aim for 6… you might get there by 7:30. Who would think something so small would be so much work?
Here’s an example: You need to be somewhere at 7pm. You prep by showering at 4pm. Put a pacifier in his mouth at 4:30 so you can dry your hair. You give him a bath at 5. To find out while you’re drying him off he peed in his clean hair. You give him another bath. Diaper him. He’s starving because it’s been 1.5 hours since you last fed him – he needs a 30 minute feeding. Okay so now we’re at 5:30. Change his diaper again. Pick out clothes. Now it’s 5:45. Dress him. Find your shoes. Find his socks. Oh was that gas or does he need another diaper change? Better do it now. Diaper change number 3 in the books. It’s 6pm, time to leave. Spend 15 minutes finding car keys. Organize diaper bag. Your boobs are leaking. You run to change your shirt. It’s 6:20. Baby is crying. He’s hungry. Crap. Feed him now and be late or get there on time and feed him there… and be late. So you shove everyone in the car. Baby’s cry becomes screams. You arrive. Three minutes early. Choose to use valet parking because your baby may never love you if you don’t feed him right now. Sprint inside. Feed baby. Enter event 30 minutes late. #ThisIsHowIRoll
- Newborns like to be held. ALL. THE. TIME. And they sleep best this way. This is especially true for babies born early… like my sweet babe. They want to be held right on your beautiful skin. He will sleep so quietly you will question if he’s still breathing. You may even take the chance to put him down to sleep and WAHHH! No can do, new mom. Newborns want to sleep on you. But it’s frowned upon for you to sleep when you’re holding the baby. So that’s right, stay awake. Forever.
- You might cry every day for a few weeks. This is normal. I cried EVERY DAY for two and a half weeks. Thanks Hormones. You’ve been a real bitch always but this is another level. It’s like when you were a teenager and you cry for no reason. But you can’t stop. Remember? It’s like that. You’ll cry because you’re happy to be a mom. You’ll cry because you feel guilty that you miss your pre-baby life. You’ll cry because you’re crying. But just like anything else, this too shall pass. And it does. And you’ll grab a glass of wine and say “Thank you Jesus! I’m not totally crazy!”
Now one thing to definitely learn is to swaddle. Something I need to work on.
Happy 4 Weeks my little love muffin!
On that note, the baby is crying. I haven’t slept. My nipples hurt. And I smell. Time for some wine. #Holla