#HeyMallory! Have you had the infertility struggle with a friend, or the lifestyle difference struggle? How do I deal with this and get our friendship back to how it used to be?
Here’s the details…
Q – I have this best friend since college (10 years-ish) We have been majorly drifting apart the last year.
Issue #1: The biggest is infertility. She is very fertile and I’m not. She feels that she can’t talk to me about her kids. But she is constantly talking about her kids and how amazing kids are and how they are truly blessings from God etc. Then she calls me freaking out that she thinks she could be pregnant. THEY DONT WANT ANYMORE KIDS and she is going to cry if she is pregnant again! The lack of consideration to my situation is infuriating to me. She wants to be supportive but she just doesn’t seem to know how and when I have tried to bring it up she says I’m being too hard on myself and I need to relax.
Issue #2: Her and her husband make a lot of money. I am married to a medstudent and we are living in a tiny house saving every penny we can and paying out the nose for fertility treatments (no insurance coverage). She has a big beautiful house, a nice “grown up car” car, Restoration Hardware furniture, has remodeled a ton of their house, yard etc. A conversation cannot be had without her talking about something to do with their money or lifestyle or luxuries. Like, how amazing it is to have landscapers, and house cleaners, and a babysitter/nanny. She pays $150 a month for professional fake eyelashes. She isn’t braggy per se, but it comes up in conversation all the time.
Looking at this big picture, I don’t think this has to do with infertility specifically… it sounds like you guys live completely opposite lives. And perhaps not by choice. What I mean by that is is it possible she has what you want? And don’t for one second think I’d judge you for saying yes. It sounds like she has everything I want too! Being married to a resident doctor, I can’t count the amount of times I’ve said to Brad “omg they are moving to a new house and it’s bigger than my parents’! We can hardly make our rent payments and have no savings account! Crap!” I mean, it’s so hard when we are this age because when your spouse is in medical school or residency (or any other training profession that takes FOREVER!) our friends just pass us by! They are buying houses, working vehicles, jeans that fit, maybe even the expensive kind of coffee! Our husbands are in training and the truth is, our lives are at a standstill, ESPECIALLY financially. And this is really hard to accept… and watch. And it’s even harder for our friends to understand.
The infertility struggle is putting the icing on the cake. Your friend sounds like the kind of person who wants to be supportive of you and truly wants the best for you, but she does not get it. DOES NOT GET IT. And it’s not her fault. She’s living a normal life. Most people our age have decent jobs by now, even great jobs, live near their family, and can get pregnant without thinking about it. That’s normal! A life she should be proud of. A life she IS proud of. And I can’t blame her. But the hard truth is, in life friends sometimes go a different way… they have a different path than us. We have to be prepared to accept that friendships really don’t usually last forever. They come and go. Some stay for a long time. Some stay briefly. Some stay forever. But this relationship isn’t offering you what you need. Does this mean you need to have a sit down talk about not being friends anymore like it’s a break up? Absolutely not. But it’s time to distance yourself. You need to feel understood. And frankly, so does she. She doesn’t deserve to have judgement, jealousy or resentment held over her head. (sorry, but let’s admit it… I would do it too!). And you don’t deserve the ignorance and frankly, your life goals thrown in your face… especially when you’ve got a long road ahead of you (re: residency).
It’s okay to love your friend, accept your friend for who she is and what she has in her life now, and realize it’s simply not a friendship you want OR NEED to keep so close to you. I would keep conversations more surface leveled. I wouldn’t blow this out of proportion because once you do get pregnant, maybe your feelings will change towards her. Or in 10 years when you’re all done training your life will be so much different you will be able to relate to her again. It doesn’t have to be over. It just needs to not be so deep. It needs to be surfaced, less often, and distanced. Good luck, sister!
If anyone has any suggestions, advice or “hey I’ve been there” comments, please leave them!
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BUMP WATCH 2015!
It’s in full effect! I am bumping around now. I feel like my picture doesn’t do it justice. But there’s no doubt a huge change has occurred over the past 7 days. After I eat ANYTHING my stomach sticks out like I’m 6 months pregnant. *For the record, I had not eaten anything yet in this picture* And I’m WORKING IT, people! I wore the tightest dress I could find yesterday to work in hopes people would notice. #AttentionSeeker #SorryNotSorry! I feel like Hey! I worked hard for this bump. I’m going to take full advantage of showing it off! #NoShame!
My appetite is still bigger than an NFL football player. I actually ate 7 eggs and 4 pieces of toast last night for dinner. #TrueSTory. I started with a normal person portion – 3 eggs and 2 pieces of toast. But momma’s hungry! Round 2 went down just fine! haha My mood is excellent. I sleep like a baby. My energy is super high. I’m happy as a clam! Other than the fact my bowels refuse to move, I’m having constant heart palpitations and my night sweats have left me desperate for a towel and change of clothes in the middle of the night… everything is perfect!
We heard the heartbeat for the first time this week. It was 155. Loved every second of it 🙂 And Brad was able to go! Which is great because I was afraid he wouldn’t meet my doctor until delivery day… if we’re lucky!
Can’t wait to continue to grow this baby and eat like a cow!
Gotta go! I’m starrrrrrrving!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!