#HeyMallory : An Unsupportive Family Member & Infertility

A special THANK YOU to all of those that sent me Facebook messages, Instagram messages, Tweets and E-mails with questions to be featured on #HeyMallory! KEEP THEM COMING!

Today’s question is from @ARemaley (instagram). She’s 28 with stage IV Endometriosis and beginning IVF soon.
It’s a tricky one! I’m sure many of you can relate!

Check it out:

Q –  A little backstory I have a sister who is 13 years older than me – she’s always been a mother figure type and she is very weirded out with this whole {infertility} process. She makes negative comments here and there like, “Twins are my worst nightmare!” “Don’t ever ask me to babysit them.”  I never react because it’s always been at a family party and in front of a lot of our relatives, and I don’t want to cause a scene.
She has jealousy issues with me, especially when it comes to me succeeding quicker in life than she did. For her and I to {potentially} have children 3 years apart drives her mad, like I should wait until 35 like she did. Her jealousy is always with the fact that when I do have kids, I will be able to stay at home with them because of my husbands job. She hates that her kids were “daycare babies.”
I am in the process of writing my sister a detailed note on how she needs to support me through this process and let the negative comments be done. I want to avoid a conflict at all costs. She is hurting my feelings a lot. And her lack of support is heartbreaking.

A – Being a psychotherapist, there’s one thing I know for sure… people are easily misunderstood. You and your situation are probably misunderstood by her, and vise versa. You could be very right that she is jealous of your situation and even if that’s true, there is no excuse to treat you like your struggles aren’t real or significant.
Before you start writing, think of positive memories you have with her… what you like about her. Approach this letter from a place of misunderstanding, knowing your sister is not an evil person and be reminded that you want her to be a supportive part of this journey, not against you. The idea is to avoid speaking out of anger. This approach will not only help you feel more calm in the process but it will enable her to better hear what you’re saying and not feel attacked.
Use empathy but be concrete. Provide specific examples you’re referring to, “sometimes when you make comments ______ it makes me feel _____ because ____.”
Yours might look something like this: “Sometimes when you make comments that you won’t help me if I had twins, it makes me feel sad because you’re my sister and I would want you around to enjoy this huge change in my life.”
It also wouldn’t hurt to start off with a compliment 🙂 (I.e. You’ve always been such a pleasure to be around…”) It’s important for her to know how much you value her opinion and that what she says means a lot to you.
Chances are, she’s not trying to hurt you. Remember that. She’s your sister. She loves you. Clearly, she’s mindlessly and inconsiderately making comments. It’s time to be honest. Your feelings are valid and anyone who has been in your situation in regards to infertility would agree! It’s not acceptable for people to make nasty comments without you speaking up for yourself. Go for it. But in the first attempt… be gentle. Be open minded. Be honest.

Good luck, my friend!


What do you guys think? Is there a different approach you’ve tried that’s worked? Comment on the post or on my Instagram feed.


To be featured on #HeyMallory contact me:

Instagram – @HappinessGlass_ttc
Facebook – Mallory Halverson
Twitter – @Happiness_Glass
Email – HappinessGlass@gmail.com


Pregnancy Update:

Big thanks to everyone who gave us so much ❤ this week as we crossed an amazing milestone with our little Embaby! (it’s still considered an Embaby until our 10th week). Plus I love the word Embaby. We saw that beautiful little flicker of a heartbeat. It is shocking that something so small can already have a heart, and it’s growing so fast, and IT’S IN ME! #HollyHell That’s scary! #GoodScary.

Every day I worry. Every day I wonder if bad luck is going to strike. Just keep thinking positive and remember, it’s more likely to go well than not go well. That helps.

Thanks for all the prayers and messages.

Xo

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2 thoughts on “#HeyMallory : An Unsupportive Family Member & Infertility

  1. Hi! I really enjoy reading your blog and all your positivity on IG! Congrats on beating infertility!!!!

    I am currently 6dp5dt from our first IVF cycle I broke down and tested yesterday evening after work and it was a BFN (all I had was s digital test though so couldn’t see if there was even a faint line). I know the doctor will say I’m testing too early but don’t you think it should be positive by now? I just need an opinion from someone who’s been through this. I feel like nothing is happening and that I should have a positive by now. And my hubby doesn’t know I tested. He’s Mr. Positive and is SURE this worked. It’s gets sad to burst his bubble every month with a BFN but I’m sure you know how it goes. What do you think? Still early?

    Like

    1. LaKell! No judgement here, girlfriend! Testing early is my middle name! I would 100% not worry about having a negative so early. It may not have even implanted yet! It can totally vary! Which is exactly why they tell us not to test! If you’re going to test early assume it will be negative… otherwise don’t test at all! It’s very early. Maybe in like 2 days will give you a better picture. But you really never know until beta day! For me, testing early helped me prepare for my BFN on my first IVF round. I tested until 7dp5dt and was getting negatives and then stopped and waited for beta. I felt prepared for a negative but still knew there was a chance, so not all hope was lost. Anything can happen! Just prepare for a negative for the next day or two! And IF YOU CAN, WAIT!!! 🙂

      Like

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