5:00am : Alarm goes off. Why do I get up at 5am voluntarily? Money. Ok let’s do this. #moneyismymotivation
5:15am: Coffee. All the Coffee.
5:45am: Arrive to teach my group fitness class. People look tired. And their tired face makes me excited. How can I wake these people up without being annoying. #ChallengeAccepted. Kelly Clarkson. Choreographed warm up. I’m annoyingly energetic. Happy. And I think people had a good time! #thanksKelly! I proudly left everyone in a pile of sweat and a smile. The perfect combination.
7:30am: I’m happy. I’m excited. I had 3 people tell me before 7am “you have too much energy” and “I want what you’re having!” Not including my husband, who does not find my early morning peppiness amusing. #NotAMorningPerson.
8:30am: Smoothie time. And I like it green– Kale. Spinach. Mango. #tada I become reminded why I’m forcing vegatables down my throat. I begin visualize these healthy ingredients feeding my non-baby filled uterus. I’m totally getting pregnant soon. I’m so healthy. Think of all the people that don’t do this and still get pregnant! It’s gonna give me a leg up! No doubt! (Notice: the infertility struggle begins)
9:00am: Arrive at work. Emails, voicemails…
9:15am: Begin putting my career at risk. Begin neglecting actual work to research the best kind of thermometer to buy to track ovulation. I find the best. I need the most precise one. $33? Screw it. Wait, who cares. I’ll just take ovulation kit tests every day. Oh, shit. Even more expensive! Screw it. I’ll take one of each!
10:00am: Ok Mallory, distract yourself. Facebook time. Facebook reminds me everyone is pregnant or has a new baby. I give up. Prayer. Yes prayer! People pray, right? I’m on to something here!
11:00: Focus. Must. Do. Work. Every little thing asked of you that doesn’t involve googling something fertility related is a massive task. Life beyond fertility hardly exists. Answering the phone becomes difficult midmorning.
Noon Break: I am listening to the radio. A break up song… I become tearful… twisting anything to relate it to my infertility journey. It’s amazing how easy that is to do. And it’s official, I feel sad.
1:00pm: Eat 19992048393 avocados. #MissionGetPregnant
3:00pm: I can’t focus. I’m so tired. Maybe I don’t have enough hormones to focus. Errr or too many? Not sure. Time for Google: “Feeling fatigued and lack focus. Early signs of pregnancy.” SHUT UP PHONE. QUIT RINGING. I’m trying to Google myself pregnant. Conclusion: possible. Dare I feel hopeful? There’s been stranger things… right?
5:00pm: Finally. That was a hard days work. All of a sudden a wave of worry consumes me. What if I never get pregnant? Why wouldn’t IVF work? Why didn’t I have more eggs retrieved? Why is my body doing this? Is there a deeper issue? Maybe I have cancer! Should I eat more avocados? Should I pray more? I should do yoga. I hate yoga. Cue self-blaming and I’m officially scared.
My husband innocently asks, “How was your day, hon?” Me: “It was great! Same ol same ol!” Lies… I begin avoiding eye contact to hold back tears. “I JUST FEEL SAD!”
And sadly nothing he can say will help so he gives me a kiss on the cheek and a glass of wine.
This is it. I recognize this is depressing. But it’s important. And relevant. Emotions all over the place. I am self-centered. I am sensitive. I am happy. I am sad. I am scared. But the emotion I feel the most is I feel grateful. The support I have from my husband, my family, friends have reached out and shown support for me, and just people reading my blog have shown me love.
P.S. – I took some advice from my #ttcsisters and tried acupuncture. Just wanted you all to know that you are all liars. It did hurt. I did not feel relaxed. It’s what I imagine hell is like.